took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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