Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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