you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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