he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
