Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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