When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
