What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
