I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
