For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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