I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
