Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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