Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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