4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
