it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
