He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
