im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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