Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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