i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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