I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
