My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
