They should really pass out barf bags in church
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
