You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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