I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
