she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
