I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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