Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
