the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
