I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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