I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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