If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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