You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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