We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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