This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize