Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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