That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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