I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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