I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
