Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
