It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize