First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
