she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
