we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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