she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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