this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
