she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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