I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
