her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
