i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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