Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
