I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I want her autograph on my taint
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
