I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
