im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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