By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
