I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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