I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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